Chloe Marcus

Alright, this is embarrassing. But here we go. My first query letter with absolutely NO experience and NO input. Yes, it’s cringy. Enjoy my humiliation, alongside my snarky commentary:

[After 2 paragraphs of meandering about writing and my life, now it begins] YA novel Sky Born [Genre anyone?], which as it stands completed now [Yeah they don’t need this, obviously you’re querying a completed novel] is around 67,000 words. 

It is the first in what will be a trilogy that seeks to transport readers into a new world, one marked by deep lines of division and a steady stream of propaganda [Again just get to the point!], The dome keeps us safe. [I thought this was so good, kill me now] My goal [Goal? What is the freaking book about already?] is for readers to be intrigued by a coming of age story with interesting imperfect characters that grow and change over time, some for the better and others not [That’s SUPER specific]. While at the same time stretching beyond this and presenting the reader with ideas that make them think, that challenge them towards their own personal growth [Ahh no selling point to the public like fiction for personal growth]. 

Part of my background… [Blah blah blah, and I STILL haven’t mentioned what my story is about!] Though a lofty goal [Oh no with the goals again], I think this book could appeal to those who enjoyed the Hunger Game [No I didn’t, yes I did.], Divergent [Seriously? Doubling down], and Uglies Series [Nice, just hitting my comps out of the park]. In a similar way it is a coming of age book with hints of romance, but not defined or controlled solely by it. [Let’s talk more about some generalities about my book] I like stories that have movement and action as well as deep relatable characters that are formed and changed by the story’s arc [In case they were interested, spoiler, they weren’t].

 I realize you receive a significant amount of submissions and inquiries [True, so it’s great I’ve spent the past page blabbering], so getting straight to the point [Yeah too late for that]. Below I have included a very condensed description of the premise of my novel. [Finally!!!] Enjoy! [….]

Her first introduction into society was crucial. Swallowing her nervousness she straightened her back, raising her chin slightly. She was already at a distinct disadvantage, with her unusual gray eyes and olive hued skin. Living among people with a rigid definition of beauty, defined as creamy white complexions and dark features. She was an oddity, a subject of scorn as well as a greasy pleasure. There was never enough room at the top, all the better that she fell short of it. [Wow… that’s a whole lot of nothing, what’s my characters name? Where does she live? Any details? No… okay…]

Tonight [what night?] should usher in the beginning of her vying for position among the High [Where are we, what is going on?], but as her world expands she glimpses the dark underside of their society [the barest hint of an inciting incident]. Just beneath her feet there is pain, torture, and enslavement of those deemed lesser, considered commodites more than people. It would be easier for her to feign ignorance, to pretend the atrocities were nonexistent. Yet, an unlikely friend begins to cautiously challenge her with shocking ideas, “It is more shameful to see injustice and turn one’s head, than to unwittingly commit it.” [So there are literally NO stakes in this, I don’t know the characters name. I don’t know anything about the setting. I don’t even know anything specific about the plot. I come away thinking, in the unlikely I event made it this far… PASS]

If you read this and thought… that’s not so bad. Please get help before your query.

If you read this and thought wow… brutal. You’re right. Take this dumpster fire and use it to feel better about your first query letter.